If a friend has shared that they’re struggling with disordered eating or an eating disorder, it says a lot about your friendship that they feel comfortable opening up to you <3 You might feel unsure of what to say or how to help, but you don’t need to have all the answers. Your friendship can be an important source of support.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when supporting a friend through an eating disorder, particularly during the college years. (And honestly – all of these tips may be helpful to adopt in general, regardless of whether you or a friend are struggling with disordered eating. Why not clear up some mental space?!).
Be mindful of how you talk about food and bodies
Comments about food, weight, and bodies are so commonplace that we often don’t realize how frequently we make them: “I look gross,” or “I really need to work out after that meal.” Even if you have a decent relationship with food or your own body image, these comments can roll off our tongues. Try to practice neutrality: “I’m sooo full.” That is a fact, not a judgment.
It can feel tricky when your friend makes negative comments about their own body. If they say, “I ate way too much for dinner tonight … I’m not going to fit into my pants,” your instinct might be to respond, “Yes but we walked so many steps today, you’re fine!” or “At least it was healthy food!” While well-intentioned, this can inadvertently reinforce the disordered thinking (e.g. “As long as I exercise, I’m fine;” “I can only eat past fullness if it is ‘healthy’ food”). Instead, try acknowledging the feeling underneath the comment: “I know you’re having a hard time with how you’re feeling about yourself right now.” As a therapist, I sometimes encourage my clients to give a name to their negative self-talk and/or eating disorder voice. Let’s say we name it Regina (named after THE Regina George, of course) – you can use a little humor, saying “Tell Regina to leave you alone!”
The same goes for someone in recovery from an eating disorder, particularly if there are changes to their weight. Comments like “You look so much healthier!” can be triggering, even when they’re meant as compliments. Instead, focus on things unrelated to appearance, like “You seem so much happier” or “It’s been really nice spending more time together.” While they’re in recovery – especially in the early stages – continue to ask how they are feeling. Continue to offer support.
Ask how you can help
Be open and honest with your friend, just as they’ve been with you. Don’t assume you know what they need – ask them what feels supportive and what doesn’t. You might be surprised by how simple their requests are.
For example, maybe your friend is trying to stop using a calorie-counting app. If they’ve asked for your support with this, you could do something as simple as gently putting your hand on their arm when you notice them opening the app, which subtly offers them a moment to pause and reconsider whether they want to use it. Maybe they want you to gently redirect conversations about dieting, or check in after their first therapy appointment.
Offer to spend time together during difficult moments
Eating disorders can make everyday activities, particularly those involving food, feel overwhelming. You could offer to grab coffee after a therapy appointment, play a game or watch a show after a meal, or accompany them to a dining hall if eating around others feels difficult.
Sometimes, simply having a friend nearby can make a difficult moment feel a little less overwhelming.
Be mindful of social media
Social media can make recovery particularly challenging. Algorithms are designed to show us more of what we’re already viewing, so if your friend is engaging with content related to calories, dieting, weight loss, or body image, their feed may quickly become flooded with similar content. Even if they’re not intentionally seeking it out, this can make it really difficult to get a break from those messages. Encourage them to consider taking a social media break (and do it with them!). If the habit feels too hard to break, encourage them to unfollow or mute accounts that feel triggering. Creating a little distance from that content can make a meaningful difference.
Encourage professional and medical support
Friendship is important and can be so, so powerful – but an eating disorder requires professional support. Encourage your friend to connect with an eating disorder-specialized therapist. Perhaps they can start with campus counseling resources, and the providers there will help connect them with someone specialized who can provide longer-term care.
Restriction, bingeing, purging, and over-exercise can have serious medical consequences, regardless of someone’s weight or appearance. You could offer to accompany them to a health center appointment, or help them share what is going on with a trusted family member who can support them in coordinating care.
Remember: You’re their friend, not their therapist
Supporting someone with an eating disorder can be emotionally challenging, and it’s easy to feel responsible for their well-being.
You can care deeply about your friend and still have boundaries. You can be supportive without being available around the clock. Ultimately, your friend needs professional and, ideally, family support. Think of yourself as their cheerleader, not a professional provider.
And don’t forget about yourself. If supporting your friend starts to affect your own relationship with food or your body, you deserve support, too. We’re living in a particularly challenging time when it comes to body image, with the prevalence of weight loss medications, “what I eat in a day” videos, celebrity weight loss, and constant messaging about changing our bodies.
You don’t need to cure your friend’s eating disorder. Be thoughtful, be willing to listen, and remind them that they’re not alone. Sometimes, that’s exactly what a friend needs.