As humans, we are wired with a biological instinct to avoid what may cause us harm. It is in our nature to run from and protect ourselves against threats – both physical and emotional. You may be familiar with this as the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. In situations that we perceive as threats, our sympathetic nervous systems instantly either fight (confront the threat), flee (get away as quickly as possible), or freeze (stay still in hopes the danger will pass).
This system is designed to keep us safe. Our bodies’ primary goal is survival.
The challenge is that, today, most of us (fortunately!) are not running from bears. Instead, we may find ourselves avoiding situations, conversations, or internal experiences that bring up uncomfortable emotions – like shame, anger, sadness, to name a few. Sometimes these emotions remind us of past moments that felt – or perhaps were – unsafe. Other times, they make our bodies feel as though we’ve been transported back to a time we worked very hard to move through. Of course, it makes sense that we would want to avoid feeling something painful, overwhelming, or scary. In many ways, this is still our body trying to protect us. It wants to keep us safe.
… But at what point does safe begin to feel like stuck?
Most of us (myself included) have developed behaviors, coping strategies, and ways of being that served an important purpose at one time. Maybe you learned early on that it wasn’t safe to express your emotions. Maybe you found ways to distract yourself because being present in certain moments felt too painful. These responses were not random, they were adaptive. They helped you get through.
Over time, however, you may begin to notice that some of these patterns are no longer serving you. You might feel disconnected from your values or held back from living the kind of life you want. Often, these patterns persist because changing them would require us to face the very emotions or sensations we’ve been trying to avoid.
Avoidance can show up in many different ways. It might look like shutting down emotionally or not opening up to loved ones. It might look like restricting nourishment or using other behaviors to numb difficult feelings. It could also be avoiding situations or experiences that bring up thoughts or memories you’ve worked hard to push away. While these strategies may have once helped you cope, they may now be getting in the way of the life you want to build.
There’s a line in a childhood song that says, “ You can’t go under it, you can’t go over it, you’re just gonna have to go through it.” The truth is, going “through it” can feel scary, uncomfortable, and overwhelming. It can be some of the hardest work we do. And it can also be deeply transformative.
If you’re not ready to face those emotions yet, that’s okay. Readiness matters. And when you are ready, there are ways to support yourself through it.
When we begin to approach the emotions or experiences we’ve been avoiding, our bodies may still react as if we are in danger. Your heart might race, your palms may sweat, your body may feel tense or unsteady. These sensations are real but they do not always mean you are unsafe. You are not being chased by a bear.
There are simple tools that can help regulate your nervous system in these moments. Some people find slow, deep breathing helpful in activating the body’s calming response. Others may find it more accessible to use gentle self-talk, reminding themselves that they are safe. Holding something cold, like an ice pack, can help ground the body. Even something as simple as humming can activate the parasympathetic nervous system and support regulation. It’s about finding what works for you and what helps your body feel just a little more supported in the discomfort.
And perhaps most importantly, I encourage you to approach yourself with compassion and grace. You are working to shift patterns that once protected you. That is not easy work. It takes courage, patience, and care. Change doesn’t happen all at once, but step by step, it is possible.