If you were to ask someone ‘What do you think about your body?,’ they are likely to almost immediately respond with a critical comment or disapproval of their body. I often hear clients talk about the culture of body image: listening to people talk about their bodies and food negatively, how certain foods will inevitably negatively impact their bodies, their workout routine or lack thereof, their desire for thinness and weight loss, and so on. This culture is a learned one, one we grew up watching our caregivers and friends engage in. It becomes our model for what we think a relationship with body and body image “should” look like. We do not often think to question it: If everyone else thinks and feels this way, so should I. Most of us were never taught that, perhaps, there is an alternative.
In a world inundated with messages about bodies, ideals, and expectations, it feels nearly impossible not to be judgmental about the way we look. We believe it is our responsibility to evaluate and change our appearance. We also fear that others will do this to or for us, whether they be family, friends, doctors, partners, or strangers. People often feel hopeless that their relationships with their bodies will always feel negative or that the only way to change their relationship with their bodies is for their bodies to change. Amy Pershing references this culture and phenomenon as the “cult of body shame.”
But what if the appraisals we made about our bodies were not solely based on how we perceive them or how they compare to others? What if our bodies are not the thing that needs changing? What if we could offer people alternative opportunities to connect with their bodies and view them differently?
As you read these questions, you may be thinking these ideas sound freeing but unrealistic or idealistic. You may be thinking, ‘How could I possibly loosen the grip that diet culture and the thin ideal have on my life, my perceptions, and my body? How do I actually begin to heal my body image?’ In short, it is not easy, and it is a path of resistance: resisting the need or desire to change your body, resisting values that society may place on you or your body, resisting pushback you may get for resisting. I want to extend compassion to you for even considering an alternative.
To move away from image and perception, I offer the idea of body respect. Body respect posits that body image and body respect are non-mutually exclusive, meaning that we do not have to ‘love’ how our bodies look in order to treat them kindly and with respect. Practicing body respect can occur regardless of feelings towards or about your physical appearance. Body respect can also allow us to focus on the relationship between ourselves and our body rather than on the way our body looks.
When this concept feels difficult to grasp, I often provide examples outside of body image to illustrate the idea. Think about a person in your life who you may not always like, and regardless of that, you still treat them with respect. Or maybe it’s a part of your living space that you do not particularly like, but you still accept and respect. Our goal is to treat and interact with our body in the same way, and hold two complex things at the same time.
What if, the next time you felt negatively about your body, instead of trying to change it, you considered an alternative option rooted in body respect? That may look like making space for the uncomfortable feelings that arise around body image and doing nothing to change your body. Instead, we can wake up not liking the way our body looks in the mirror, and we can still choose to care for our bodies (i.e., food, water, grooming), express ourselves (i.e., clothing, hair, makeup), and engage with our bodies (i.e., listening to what our bodies are telling us).
I also encourage you to consider your emotional needs. For example, when you feel discomfort, your emotional need is likely comfort and non-judgment; therefore, what are things that may bring you comfort and anchor you into being non-judgmental? Maybe it’s a cup of tea or coffee, maybe your favorite sweatshirt and sweatpants, maybe a warm meal, maybe a walk outside or some gentle stretching, maybe it’s curling up on the couch with your favorite blanket and a book, maybe it’s talking to someone you love or having a good laugh. We work to apply a similar mentality to body image so that if and when you feel discomfort in your body, you know what acts you can turn to for comfort – as opposed to acts that may ultimately reinforce the idea that your body must change to be deserving of love and respect.
In moving away from perseverating on how our bodies look, we can start to connect with how our bodies feel. We can start to focus on building awareness of our body sensations and cues, and practicing responding to those cues with respect and attunement. We can begin aligning ourselves with our bodies, instead of reinforcing the idea that our bodies are things we must change in order to accept them.