I remember the first time I suggested to a client that perhaps crying was the coping skill they needed in the moment. Even as the words left my mouth, it sounded bizarre – as a millennial, I grew up in a world where therapy was not anywhere near as common or accepted as it is today, and we were constantly being told – either in a well-intended way or out of frustration – don’t cry.
Regardless of your status as Gen X, Z, A, Millennial, or otherwise, you have certainly been told not to cry by a person who likely meant well. They don’t want you to feel upset, or see you upset, and will work to change the subject or cheer you up.
But what about those moments where you are working so hard to fight tears that you feel your body tense, your heart race, a lump form in your throat? What about the moments when anger and frustration – whether toward yourself or others – beg for release, but you are trying to be good and calm and not cry so you try to push it down or away?
This is where, as therapists, we often see potentially dangerous behaviors pop up – self-harm, restriction of calories, excessive exercise, episodes of bingeing and purging, substance use, or “losing it” on a friend, partner, family member, or stranger. Sometimes fighting the flow of emotion and tears leads to a panic attack, which is something we also tend to want to avoid or push away.
What if instead we just … let ourselves cry? What if you allowed the level of emotion to ebb and flow and saw what happened? If you resist the sadness or the anger, where does it go?
A fun fact I learned in my first job as a therapist is that when you cry, you release cortisol (the stress hormone), as well as endorphins (which can enhance mood and relieve pain and stress). This means that when you cry, you are literally removing stress from your body and shifting your body chemistry. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system, whose job is to calm and soothe the body. It is a natural process.
There are certainly times when crying may not feel possible to allow in the situation, e.g. if you’re about to give a presentation at school or work. In these cases, the Opposite Action DBT skill can be a powerful tool to decrease the intensity of the emotion, which can help to get through the moment without making it worse.
But other than these situations, what if you allowed versus avoided? If you’ve been in therapy, you’ve certainly been encouraged to “feel your feelings” – and crying is what that might look like.
Sometimes this may mean listening to a sad song (Taylor Swift Folklore album or 2010s Adele is a great place to start) or watching a sad movie (“My Girl,” anyone?). But most often, it simply means allowing the feeling to exist in response to whatever is prompting is – sadness about a death or a break-up, anxiety and overwhelm about responsibilities, anger toward one’s self for making a mistake or being rejected. Of note, allowing the feeling does not necessarily mean the associated thoughts are true, e.g. “I can’t handle it,” “I’m a screw up,” “I will never find someone to love again.” These are two distinct things. Observe those thoughts, feel those feelings.
Give yourself the chance to see that perhaps you can get through it without avoiding it.